Opening myself has always been a hard and very long process.
Talking to new people, not knowing what to say or how to act.
For a long time, I thought it was due to me being afraid to be judged.
Later, I thought it was due to me connecting to people by copying some aspects
Sometimes, I think it's because I'm afraid to give information that could be
used to hurt me.
I still think all of those things. Yet, here I am, trying my best to write
this blog entry.
I think it's time I open up a bit. At least, make it faster to open up than to
take one year to do it progressively, if I'm not scared to do it by something
the person says until I get to that point.
But truth is, I don't really mind being judged if it doesn't impact my safety.
If it doesn't impact my job, my relationship or destroy anything important
to me, I don't care.
When I was a child, I got rejected by people of my age. When I grew up, I
eventually made friends, but never really opened up with my feelings.
Every litle thing that went wrong, every betrayal, every conflict was a
remainder that I could be hurt, that I would be hurt.
Now, I think I'm ok being hurt. I can take it.
I'm afraid of giving information that could hurt me in the future.
That still holds true. But what information could hurt me? That's not clear.
I can't predict how the world will be in 40 years. I can't make a threat
model for future technology, future cultures and future conflicts.
At the same time, not sharing information means that my current life is more
closed. It feels more closed. Sometimes, I feel a bit claustrophobic, having
thoughts and feelings I want to share, but keeping them to myself or to a
very small group because I'm afraid of... ?
What am I afraid of?
Everyone has thoughts and opinions. Most people share them dozens of times
a day. Why would it be dangerous for me to do so?
Maybe it could limit future opportunities? Well, maybe.
But I got a job, a house, a girlfriend and everything is stable and going
smoothly. I feel I don't really need that many opportunities since I'm in a
safe place, but I also feel that I will look back at this sentence laughing
Maybe it could give me legal trouble? Well, I don't plan on talking about
the NUMEROUS ILLEGAL STUFF :tm: I do. Soooo, not sure why I worry about that.
Maybe it could be.... I'm out of ideas.
I guess opening up won't undermine my security that much, but could
relieve that slight claustrophobic feeling.
I'm not sure how to actually open up faster. How to be appropriate while
doing it. When to risk saying innapropriate stuff. When it's ok to offend
people and when it's not.
Consider this blog post to be the first of many, or to be removed pretty
quickly once anxiety takes over my brain. Until then, baiiiiiiiiiiiii.